It started last night. It was funny, I was having a good day and then, all of a sudden, reality hit me. Then it kept hitting me. The enormity of the situation that makes me feel so small. Perhaps I am being over dramatic but I hate it.
I am a closeted homosexual and an active member of the Latter Day Saint church i.e. the Mormons. I have very limited options if I wish to stay in the church. They are either get married to a woman and raise a family or stay completely celibate, chaste, and utterly alone for the rest of my life. I will not do the first, I refuse to have such a relationship in which no one will ever be happy. The second option terrifies me more than I could ever say. I don't want to wake up ten years from now and the only thing I have to look forward to is a carton of ice cream and my dreams while I am asleep in which I am not alone. In a dream where there is someone I love to come home to, a person who would make me smile and laugh. A dream in which I would have someone to spend my birthday with instead of being alone like I have for the last 3 years and stop pretending that its okay.
Last night was one of those moments where all I wanted was to have the love of my life wrap his arms around me, bring me close, tell me that all will be fine, and just let me stay there feeling safe and loved. Instead I am here still alone, cold, and very much feeling insignificant.
