It started last night. It was funny, I was having a good day and then, all of a sudden, reality hit me. Then it kept hitting me. The enormity of the situation that makes me feel so small. Perhaps I am being over dramatic but I hate it.
I am a closeted homosexual and an active member of the Latter Day Saint church i.e. the Mormons. I have very limited options if I wish to stay in the church. They are either get married to a woman and raise a family or stay completely celibate, chaste, and utterly alone for the rest of my life. I will not do the first, I refuse to have such a relationship in which no one will ever be happy. The second option terrifies me more than I could ever say. I don't want to wake up ten years from now and the only thing I have to look forward to is a carton of ice cream and my dreams while I am asleep in which I am not alone. In a dream where there is someone I love to come home to, a person who would make me smile and laugh. A dream in which I would have someone to spend my birthday with instead of being alone like I have for the last 3 years and stop pretending that its okay.
Last night was one of those moments where all I wanted was to have the love of my life wrap his arms around me, bring me close, tell me that all will be fine, and just let me stay there feeling safe and loved. Instead I am here still alone, cold, and very much feeling insignificant.
I'm sorry you are feeling frustrated and small. Let me tell you of my story.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was growing up, I only was attracted to boys, but still dated girls. I just dated for fun and dated lots of girls without often dating the same girl twice in a row. But I dreamed of boys. When I was on my mission, a companion claimed that I would be married within six months of returning. Ha! I knew that was not happening. My plans were to get through grad school and see what happens. Both of us were wrong.
You never know what is going to happen. I fell for a girl. The way I felt for her was not the same as the feelings I had for boys. It wasn't so much a powerful attractive impulse but rather a desire to be with her all the time. I didn't have a crush on her, but rather I wanted her to listen to me and I wanted to listen to her. I wanted to share my life with her. It was strange and I didn't know how to behave, since I'd never experienced this. I dated her for years, and all the while I was attracted to guys around me. I felt sexually attracted to the guys, but I wanted to raise a family with this girl.
Yes, I talked with her about my attractions. Yes we even got married in the temple, and have now been married for decades, having a good number of children, and are still happily married. I still feel attracted to guys. I figure if I were straight I'd be attracted to girls, but still would need to choose to be faithful to my wife. Personally, I prefer being attracted to guys. The relationship my wife and I have developed is not built on infatuation, but on respect and sacrifice. I think our marriage is all the stronger for it.
My purpose for explaining this is not that you should be like me. I doubt your experience will be all that much like mine. But I had not been expecting the plans that the Lord had for me. You feel confined, perhaps trapped, that your options seem limited. But you have no idea what things the Lord may have in store for you. Might you meet an amazing woman that becomes your eternal companion? Possibly. But maybe not. My point is that you shouldn't despair. Make plans for school, for an occupation. Look for how you can serve others, how you can help in your community. Give of yourself. And you never know what amazing things could be in store -- the plans the Lord has for you.